Inside Tech: How to slow down your internet in 3 easy steps

This week's Inside Tech sees us tackle an issue that has been baffling boffins from all around the world for centuries. How does one begin to slow down their Internet connection?

Whilst a little unorthodox, it is entirely feasible that at some point you may want to slow down your internet connection. I won’t bore you with the specifics as to why but believe me, it’s almost definitely feasible. Not everything needs context you know. That’s your first lesson.

Let’s begin.

Step 1: Install a 56k modem

Named after the amount of minutes it took to get you online, the 56k modem was 1995’s equivalent of a troll bridge. If the analogy isn’t clear then I’ll spell it out for you: the modem is the troll, the internet is the destination and you are still you.

Anyway, if you’re an “internet hipster” then you’ll already be ahead of the curve (hipster definition: behind the curve) and have one of these antiques. The rest of you “I need everything yesterday” millennials, I suspect, will be using a fancy Cisco router instead. Yes, I get it, those Ciscos (that are supplied with FD connections – HINT!!!) are ultra-reliable, industry leading and best of breed pieces of kit, but that’s not the point of this article, is it? Go for the 56k, and whilst you’re at it, maybe get yourself a beret too.

Step 2: Max out your connection

Sneaky one you are. If you’ve ever been a student in halls of residence then you’ll have experienced the joys of a maxed out internet connection. Remember the time when that nerdy film major in the adjacent room was constantly downloading and streaming movies for “research”. Probably not I’m guessing as nobody says major in England. Anyway by hogging the connection, he was effectively maxing out the bandwidth. Now if you want to slow down your internet, then all you need to do is replicate this times a million – it's basic math!

Have a Fluidata connection and want to pull this scam? Sorry pal schools out. Fluidata has bandwidth allocation tools in place to stop mavericks like you getting too much connection to yourself – please see me after class.

Step 3: Change internet provider

A Fluidata connection is a lot like the film Speed. If it goes under a certain Mb/s, then there’s going to be an explosion. Literally, we’re so concerned about network performance that our data centres are wired to blow (metaphorically) if we don’t deliver.

So if you’re looking for slow and unreliable then I do apologise but our support teams will go to hell and back (metaphorically) to fix it (literally) - it’s basic math!

That's it for another week. Tune in soon for more top tricks and tips from Inside Tech.