Inside Tech: Guess that Connection! Celebrity Edition
3 · FEB ·2016
The other evening whilst cooking, a friend of mine mentioned to me that it was impossible to write an article that fused together both the internet and the former pop group Westlife.
Challenge accepted made up friend, challenge accepted.
Just in case you were never a teenage girl, Westlife were an Irish boy band that had a tremendous amount of success in the late 90s and early 00s. Hits like Flying Without Wings and You Raise Me Up were so unbelievably catchy that you were medically required to get your ears vaccinated before listening.
Initially a five-piece, Brian left to go to solo and they continued on as a double duo before eventually breaking up, getting back together and then breaking up again - and quite how this story hasn’t been optioned by Hollywood yet, I do not know.
If you need any backstory on the internet then I suspect you’ve stumbled upon this article by accident and should start your search again by
Bored yet? Me too – but stick with me as we as we cleverly fuse the two subjects and play for the first and last time in history, “Guess that Connection! Celebrity Edition”
A cross between game shows that I can’t remember the names of; “Guess that Connection! Celebrity Edition” tasks us with guessing which internet connection a celebrity has based on their personality, looks and star sign. Yes readers, Dostoyevsky this isn’t.
Proceed with caution.
Nicky, or N-Dog, as he’s affectionately not known, is the hot blonde of the group. His
favourite things include walking his dogs and watching the films Die Hard, Titanic and Armageddon.
But what does this tell us? Well in all honestly it tells us literally nothing. However, for the sake of the game, I’ll make something up.
What this tells us is that Nicky most likely has a roaming
4G connection – because of science, okay?
Nicky would have a 4G connection as he is quite clearly a thrill seeker (source: Sigmund Freud) - just look at his favourite movies. Also, his love for dog walking suggests that he has a firm requirement to be outdoors at all times.
So if we combine the two and say that he regularly walks his dogs, let’s say, across the
thrilling Cliffs of Dover (which we initially thoguht were in Ireland), then we can make a sound hypothesis in saying that this guy has a reliable mobile internet connection that he can use in remote areas. Also being the hot blonde of the group, he could also use the phone to take a selfie. It’s kismet.
Okay, we’ve hit the big time. Shane was one of the two lead singers of Westlife and his soulful voice managed to melt more hearts than
that dog ever did back in his day. His star sign is Cancer which means that he is quick to help others and avoid conflicts, whilst he also likes to take care of his co-workers just as much as family.
From this, we can deduce that Shane would definitely have a
leased line. If he cares about his co-workers as much as his star sign suggests, which have never been wrong, then he could only go for a connection that is both uncontended and symmetrical.
By having a leased line, he would be also able to avoid any internal conflicts as his bandmates could all watch Westlife music videos online at the same time without incurring any buffering pains.
Okay, two more to go and I genuinely don’t think I can keep this up. Right, Kian, which one is he?
Google search of his name tells us where it originates from and , quite interestedly, Kian is a Gaelic name that means ‘Ancient’ – snooze!
Well based on his name and the fact that I cannot be bothered to read his biography or look up his star sign, I’m going to say that this guy has a dial-up connection (because he’s ancient, get it?).
Don’t think anybody has dial-up in 2016? Surprisingly, according to data released just last year,
over 2.1 million Americans still use AOL dial-up to connect to the internet with the average user paying around £13 a month to use it. This means that they are getting speeds that are 200x times worse than the average internet user on
broadband. Come on, even N-Dog’s roaming connection is 100x faster than that; time to upgrade Kian methinks. Case closed.
Sorry Mark, I think I speak for everybody at this point and declare that we are out of steam and this article must end here. However, based on the fact that I’ve not mentioned it yet, I’m going to say that Mark has
FTTC, just because it’s massively popular and statistically at least one member of Westlife would have it.
Tune in next week for another Inside Tech and remember if you liked this post please remember to share on Facebook, Linkedin and Twitter.